MANAGING THE BITTER HALF (HUSBAND)

                                                     MANAGING THE BITTER HALF (HUSBAND)

HAPPY MARRIED LIFE LIKE MILITARY INTELLIGENCE IS A CONTRADICTION!

An old Hindi proverb explains typical character of husband! Meaning is like this- Monkey may grow old; but he will never forget somersault. Whether metaphor of monkey is apt for husband or not may be debatable, but fact that his somersault takes various forms and shapes is undisputed. Once this characteristic is understood, managing him seems relatively easy task for homemaker. Nevertheless, in reality, it does not happen. The reason is absence of realization that monkey now is not going to change. It is understood that olfactory faculty of a wife (without ISO certification) works much better than her husband. She smells his socks from a distance but he does not realize problem even from few feet. The solution is – buy half a dozen pair of socks rather everyday repeating the episode of VIKRAM & VETAAL (who is vikram and who is vetaal is anybody’s guess).

Another definition of husband on internet is lopsided. “JO SADA HASTA HAI USKO HASMUKH KAHTE HAI; AUR JISKI HASI BAND HO GAYEE HO, USKO HUSBAND KAHTE HAI.”

The reference by better half of her husband as BITTER HALF may come any time during married life. This is turning point. However, that topic is for separate discussion. An effort is made to understand difficulties of homemaker and issues involved in managing her BITTER HALF.

1- When Piano is to be moved; everybody is ready to move the stool. The proverb talks of two aspects. Moving of stool in isolation is worthless unless piano also is moved. Second, everybody is ready to move stool- accept easier task. Husband is ready to move piano; problem arises when he gets the task done through others than doing himself. End justifies means. If homemaker does not insist that he and only he should complete the task, problem is easily solved .Monkey is old enough to perform task in isolation! Alternatively, piano may be big enough!

2- Make him feel he is in charge of home. The moment there has been transformation of home to house; problems galore. He may not remember in which class his son or daughter is! However, he knows in which direction stock market is going and whether gold prices are going up or down. He is not color blind but he maynot differentiate between Turquoise blue and German blue ( unless of course if he is working with paints or textiles ). Do not expect him to be a Smartphone!

3-Remember the most important law- For every reaction from you; there is an equal and opposite remedial action from his side! You criticize his smoking; he will quietly consume more. You do not allow him drinks at home because of children; he will do so outside and spend more money on deodorant, gutkha and other items to conceal fact. No justification of smoking/drinking here please!

4- Bullock has its own day of celebration-POLA; husband has his own day - HOLI. This is his day! Religion has made provision to release negative energy through this gasket release system. More he behaves in an absurd manner on HOLI, more he will be normal throughout year!

5-Understand his sensitivities- He also has his own touchy points. His DUKHATI RAG, sensitive point may be – armchair of his grandfather or wall clock bought by his mother from her first salary. Blow his ego in front of guests by reference to these articles as proud possessions rather than antique items blocking space. You have heard of story of princess having her life in nail of her index finger. His emotions are in those worthless possessions.

6-Strike a balance between your side and his side. [Yes. There are two sides even after 30 years of happy(?) married life]. Your parental side may have produced Padmabhshoons, and Padmashrees. Find out ONE relative of his with similar/smaller credentials and suitably refer his name in public conversation. Make sure hubby is present during such references.

7-Understand his tricks of irritating you. It may be a reference to your miser maternal uncle, your place of birth, which may be village or town, or relative of yours caught in fraud. It can be anything. Remember the military rule-Incoming fire has the right of way. Do not get upset. He has his own limitations on finding new irritants. Stay calm. If you refer to his relatives and draw parallel, it will only add fuel to fire.

8-Understand difference between demand and suggestion. Voice, tone, pitch, timing all plays an important part here. He may be visiting places such as KOTA in Rajasthan, or Kanjivaram in South. Suggest that these places are famous for…! There are other members also who might be visiting along with your husband who are well informed thanks to demands for their wives. He will certainly buy something for you. Herd mentality plays important role here.

9- For him, dishes prepared on his birthday are less important than the way you managed show when his friends came for dinner without prior notice. This aspect is to be understood by every homemaker. Today, when your own sons and daughters are migrated to other towns, cities or countries for various reasons; his friends help apart from relatives in emergency.

10- Children play an important role and managing them is difficult proposition thanks to only one or two per home. KIDS LISTEN TO YOU ONLY! Should be your mantra. You shall be in a position to get him attend parent teacher meet and also watch performance of kid in school gathering by making him sacrifice his alumni meet function.

11-Health related issues matter a lot in partner management. Pursue him for preventive medical checkup. If reports are O K, you can praise him for his regular (?) habits. If not, timely corrective action can be taken. Fear is the key in convincing him and you are winner in both situations. Emotional blackmail is valid in such cases.

12-Respect his passion. If he is fan of F C Barcelona, casual reference by you to Lionel Messi will make him both- happy and surprised. You need not know other details of Messi. If he is fond of instrumental music, you should know that Amaan and Ayaan are sons of Amjad Ali Khan- Sarod maestro.

13-Never ask details of his salary. Typical male ego plays important role. In spite of fact that you share your finance details with him, do not expect him to reciprocate. He will do so at opportune time. Sorry to say, an untimely sad demise of his colleague/relative will motivate him to share details with you.

14- Do not try to be too possessive about him. He will continue to look at pretty women in marriage reception or public gathering if this is his somersault. Let him do. Difference is he only looks at them; you on the other hand observe/screen them. Remember the proverb- Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking!

15- Ignore above points if things are smooth at your end and you are not witnessing even minor earthquakes on home front. Last but not the least- make sure; your partner and his friends have not read this article and only then follow the suggestions mentioned herein.  
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Milind Fadnavis is Associate Professor at Institute of Management Technology- Nagpur and he can be reached at milind.fadnavis@gmail.com

BOSSES …BARKING…. BITING…

The word BOSS is used only in title of this article. Many senior managers, administrators dislike themselves to be called as BOSS for obvious reasons. An effort is made here to understand various managerial styles at different levels.

Before understanding the BARK+BITE matrix, let us first understand, who is a Manager? Anyone who is responsible for the job done by others is  manager is the simplest definition of  manager. This means managers exist at various levels, in different organizations- small-big-medium; profit making, non-profit making etc. Educational institutions, religious organizations such as temples and churches are excluded in this discussion.

BARK stands for threatening subordinates either in one-to-one interaction or in front of subordinates. It may be verbal to ensure instant reaction or in written form when reaction from the victim is deliberately delayed. However, verbal or written threat is not converted into concrete action and hence termed as Bark.

BITE means either conversion of earlier threat into action or simply a disciplinary action without any warning. The later is dangerous because it catches employees off guard. Biting takes many forms and ranges from simple show cause notice at one end to termination of employment and stopping of retirement and other benefits to other extreme.

BARK- BITE MATRIX

3- BARKS + BITES	4-DOES NOT BARK + DOES NOT BITE
-                          1-BARKS+ DOES NOT BITE:-	2-  DOES NOT BARK + BITES

 One more point  we have to understand- THE BOSS ALSO HAS A BOSS. Once this aspect is understood and accepted, may be, few of us can empathize with the superior and his whims and fancies.

Secondly, a manager cannot be stamped or put in one quadrant for lifetime. He may move from one quadrant to other depending upon his age, qualifications, years left for retirement, situations such as strikes in organization, nature of subordinates, and arrival of new superior and so on. He is identified with one style which is prominent throughout his tenure as a manager. Managers, administrators of both sexes are included here.

1- BARKS+ DOES NOT BITE: - Managers, falling in this category, are in the truest sense humane. In cases of majority, this is their natural managerial style. In case of few others, style is developed after working in an organization and facing negative consequences of biting subordinates. Managers using this style always have larger picture in their mind (family of subordinate) before barking and not biting.

Barking is effective provided barking is loud enough! In addition, the effectiveness of barking depends upon quality of subordinates. If subordinates are amicable, motivated, then one finds this style suitable. Barking includes- warnings of strict action, threat of transfer to far off places, cancellation of earlier sanctioned leave, assignment of less important job etc. This style is partially suitable in case of female dominated offices.

Barking in some cases has a multiplier effect. Barking at one employee in front of others gives them  signal. Barking should be regular. The release of anger should be regular; only then barking is harmless.

Disadvantage of this style is- once the subordinates know that superior only barks and does not bite, they tend to take things for granted. The subordinates at newly transferred office also learn quickly about new manager’s style from earlier office.

Note of caution-This style is not ideal for managers at start of their career.

2- DOES NOT BARK + BITES- In vernacular language, the manager is nicknamed MEETHI CHHURI. This style is suitable and commonly found for those managerial jobs, which have less accountability, have lot of power and nuisance value. Barring few exceptions, this is not natural managerial style and lot of efforts are made to acquire and practice this style. An important reason for adoption of this style is, the manager himself may have been victim of biting by his superior and hence decides to adopt this style.

In some cases (where facts and figures speak loudly), there is no need to bark. In other cases, introvert managers commonly use this style. They do not believe their subordinates and have a tendency to crosscheck from other subordinates or from external sources. Managers using this style insists on written word and use records and technology before preparing ground for biting. They collect lot of information/evidence against the victim. They also are well aware of the legal hassles involved, possible consequences, likely reaction from subordinate and from others who are not directly affected.

Biting is a special skill. Intensity of bite depends upon the situation, earlier history, hostile unions, etc.

This style is not suitable where female subordinates are in large number, when retirement is around corner.

3- BARKS + BITES- This style is common for managers who-

Work in large organizations.

Jobs are transferable.

Are confident about their decisions.

Not worried about consequences and also enjoys confidence of their superiors

Can differentiate between performing and non-performing employees.

Managers face heat in case of extremely competitive market scenario and are under pressure to perform. Time dimension is crucial and hence both biting and barking is rampant. Subordinates are always on toes because they know that the threat may convert into action any time. The only issue in this style is- every bark should not convert into bite. There should be exceptions; else life for both the manager and his subordinates becomes miserable. The intensity increases at the end of financial year when pressure of reaching targets is very high. In case of mergers & Acquisitions, this style can be commonly found when employees from two ( earlier) organizations are treated differentially.

4- DOES NOT BARK + DOES NOT BITE- The managerial philosophy behind this style is –LIVE AND LET LIVE!

This style is ideal for those managers nearing retirement. Some use this style by default and few clever ones by design. The later ones are those who want to enter consultancy line after retirement in same office and would like to use today’s subordinates as future contacts.

Those who are frequently transferred out of punishment by their superiors follow this style.(A small minority in spite of transfers keep on barking and biting).

They are the first choice of their subordinates.

The flop side is- on many occasions, they cannot take firm stand on some crucial issues- an essential quality for managers. They keep issues pending for successor. They take extraordinarily long time for decision making. They have tough time during subordinates’ appraisal. They do not create a coterie of their own nor are interested in getting information on what is happening in organization. On time dimension, they are poor performers. Subordinates, once clear on the trait of their superior, use very creative tactics  to their advantage. If the manager is tech-poor, his subordinates take undue advantage of his disadvantage.

To conclude, a manager may be in any one of the quadrant but may move to other depending upon situation in an organization.

INDIANS FROM LENS OF WESTERNERS (FLOP SIDE)

Westerners, who visit India or interact with educated, well-heeled Indians or relatively less educated blue-collar workers in their own country, have FAQs about Indians. Those Indians who have settled in USA or Europe are excluded here! Westerners, who have traveled to different parts of globe, are mature enough not to straight away stamp Indians as wrong; they say- they are different! However, they cannot understand some general traits found with Indians, which are difficult to explain during personal observation. In spite of mentally prepared to face a cultural shock after entering the third world in general and India in particular- few things are beyond their understanding! The flop and flip side are discussed in two separate blogs. Why they cannot get wine in a wine shop? Why in spite of clear written instruction- No separate queue for women, there is a different line of women near ticket counter? Why MAY I HELP YOU counter at public places is without I? Following are FAQs about Indians.

1-      First question that is often raised by them is- Why Indians, when visiting Rome, Paris cannot be a Roman or a Parisian for few days.  In today’s connected world, it is not that an Indian visiting these places has a shock due to lack of knowledge. Enough information is available on net and he is expected to understand the culture backdrop there.

2-      With due respect to vegetarian habits of many of Indians, question asked is- barring few exceptions, why Indians do not experiment with local cuisine which is vegetarian? They are comfortable with chocolates, ice creams, bakery products; but what about other items on the main course. Indians on a short stay of 3/5 days on luxury cruise ask for Indian food only. Many Indians carry with them frozen food packets during their Europe or US tour. However, when given a chance, why do not they experiment with local cuisine?

3-      Why Indians (barring Sikh & Parsee community) in general cannot laugh at themselves.

4-      A strong comment on lack of discipline in a queue. Letter Q is missing in Indian English.

5-      During important business meetings or even in friendly social conversation, if an Indian has not understood a point raised by his western counterpart- either due to pronunciation or due to technical jargon, why he just nods and not ask to clarify.

6-      Westerners always express concern over human safety in India. Be it wearing of helmet, or putting a belt while driving a car, why Indians generally do not follow the simple rules. Why a scooter rider with helmet on removes it after crossing Delhi border?

7-      Indians’ priority to education is respected throughout the world. In fact, Indian Professors today can be found throughout world. What worries them is- poor priority given to sports? The question raised by them is –Why Indians have this or that (education or sports) instead of this + that?

8-      In spite of detailed information available on LED display, announcements, maps available, why Indians need a human interface? Tourists visiting Dubai Mall get a free Map in different languages at all entry gates. Why Indians after picking the map and pocketing it, start asking questions about directions to strangers?

9-      Indians largely depend upon two Gs. One is God and second is Government. The issue raised by westerners is- why Indians bring every now and then Government in discussion. India is a democratic society and Indians only have chosen the government; then how are they different from it?

10-   Are Indians a very busy lot who are always in a hurry? If chaos at a square after traffic signal getting green is any indication, they must be!  This is contradictory to respecting time of appointment.

11-   Barring metros and larger cities, why foreigners in general and white skin tourists in particular are stared as if they are from a different planet?

12-   In a group with different nationalities and languages, why two Indians talk to each other in Hindi and not in English?

13-   On a tour to U S A or Europe, why well-to-do Indians also go for mental calculation of Indian Rupee to Dollar in case of minor purchases ?

14-   Why doors of a car, gate of a lift, receiver of a landline phone are banged harshly.

15-   Indians are a sentimental lot is accepted throughout world. Question raised is- why Indians cannot control emotions while condoling death.

The other ( flip) side shall be discussed in next blog.

TERA-MERA MATRIX

                                                             TERA-MERA MATRIX

A jingle from an advertisement of mobile service operator inspired to write this blog. The original lines were- JO TERA HAI WOH MERA; JO MERA HAI WOH TERA!

 In real life situation, we meet and interact with all kinds of people; some selfish to core, others with an attitude of a philanthropist. Day in day out, we interact with many either willingly or unwillingly. Majority of these transactions have a specific purpose to achieve. The moment word transaction comes in; we talk of two parties. In business transactions, the backdrop is different compared to those transactions where one is not necessarily a winner at cost of other party.

We observe four types of transactions, which are put into four different quadrants. They are-

1-      Start/standoff point:-Mine is mine – yours is yours ( mera woh mera; tera woh tera)

2-      Exchange after successful negotiation:- Mine is yours –yours is mine ( mera woh tera, tera woh mera)

3-      Donation:- Mine is yours – yours is yours ( mera woh tera, tera woh tera)

4-      Exploitation:- Mine is mine, yours is mine ( mera woh mera, tera woh mera)

The matrix developed  is as under:-

1-MERA WOH MERA        TERA WOH TERA ( STARTING POINT FOR NEGOTIATION OR STATUS QUO AFTER NEGOTIATIONS)	3- MERA WOH TERA       TERA WOH TERA (DONATION- OTHER PARTY HAS NOTHING TO OFFER EXCEPT GRATITUDE)
2- MERA WOH TERA ( PRODUCT)         TERA WOH MERA (MONEY /PURCHASING POWER) (  EXCHANGE AFTER SUCCESSFUL  NEGOTIATION)	4- MERA WOH MERA         TERA WOH MERA ( EXPLOITATION – UNDUE ADVANTAGE OF OTHER PARTY TO OUR BENEFIT)

1-MERA WOH MERA + TERA WOH TERA:- As mentioned earlier, this is starting point for negotiation or stage of status quo after unsuccessful  negotiation.

Initially, both parties have something to offer to other party, which is of value to other. The only issue is perception about monetary conversion of that value. When both parties have feeling that, what other party is offering is of value to them; there is likelihood of agreement and exchange. However, as mentioned earlier, when both parties think that they cannot reach an agreement, they reach to status quo. Back to square one- find out another party for offer and negotiation.

2- MERA WOH TERA (PRODUCT) + TERA WOH MERA (MONEY/PURCHASING POWER):-Both, in business and in non-business situations, any exchange between parties include money, goods or services normally. What both parties bring to table should always be of value to other party. The other party must translate your value proposition into monetary terms if you offer something abstract; only then, exchange is possible. Today, when prices of most commodities are not stable, one of the two parties is always unsatisfied in spite of successful negotiation and exchange. Competition plays an important role and there must be some parity in judging the value proposition offered by competitors. Those who understand the golden rule        - WHAT APPEARS CHEAP IN SHORT RUN MAY PROVE COSTLY IN LONG RUN normally take right decision. In exceptional cases of barter, what other party offers may not be money but goods/services.

3-TERA WOH TERA +MERA WOH TERA:- Donations from an individual or CSR activities from a business organization fall in this category. TERA- the other party has hardly anything to offer except good wishes. Reasons behind donations may be manifold- ranging from getting relief from income tax , earning PUNYA (Hindu Philosophy) to -be known even after death (condition of naming of school/college/institute in name of donor or his/her father/mother). Crucial aspect of donation is- it should go to deserving persons/organizations. Indian philosophy says that if the donation is anonymous, its value increases. Organizations and individuals both- should be proactive than reactive if they are falling in this quadrant. Many- who are really in need are tough/dogmatic enough not to approach anybody with a begging bowl. Countries suffering from natural calamities have refused help on humanitarian grounds from other nations.

4- TERA WOH MERA; MERA WOH MERA:- In real life, we do find this situation which clearly falls under category of exploitation. When this happens among family members, relations collapse. In business situation, this cannot be a permanent scenario today –thanks to liberalization, and globalization. However, the exploited party is wounded, unhappy; and waits for an opportunity to hit back at an opportune time. Once, a person has bitter experience with other person or with an organization, he is much more careful while dealing next time. Those – exploited in some cases migrate to other places. Organizations exploited by the might of a larger organization find other partners/buyers for their products. In some business contracts, where fine prints of terms and conditions are not read and interpreted properly, organization lands itself in such situation.