MANAGING THE BITTER HALF (HUSBAND)

                                                     MANAGING THE BITTER HALF (HUSBAND)

HAPPY MARRIED LIFE LIKE MILITARY INTELLIGENCE IS A CONTRADICTION!

An old Hindi proverb explains typical character of husband! Meaning is like this- Monkey may grow old; but he will never forget somersault. Whether metaphor of monkey is apt for husband or not may be debatable, but fact that his somersault takes various forms and shapes is undisputed. Once this characteristic is understood, managing him seems relatively easy task for homemaker. Nevertheless, in reality, it does not happen. The reason is absence of realization that monkey now is not going to change. It is understood that olfactory faculty of a wife (without ISO certification) works much better than her husband. She smells his socks from a distance but he does not realize problem even from few feet. The solution is – buy half a dozen pair of socks rather everyday repeating the episode of VIKRAM & VETAAL (who is vikram and who is vetaal is anybody’s guess).

Another definition of husband on internet is lopsided. “JO SADA HASTA HAI USKO HASMUKH KAHTE HAI; AUR JISKI HASI BAND HO GAYEE HO, USKO HUSBAND KAHTE HAI.”

The reference by better half of her husband as BITTER HALF may come any time during married life. This is turning point. However, that topic is for separate discussion. An effort is made to understand difficulties of homemaker and issues involved in managing her BITTER HALF.

1- When Piano is to be moved; everybody is ready to move the stool. The proverb talks of two aspects. Moving of stool in isolation is worthless unless piano also is moved. Second, everybody is ready to move stool- accept easier task. Husband is ready to move piano; problem arises when he gets the task done through others than doing himself. End justifies means. If homemaker does not insist that he and only he should complete the task, problem is easily solved .Monkey is old enough to perform task in isolation! Alternatively, piano may be big enough!

2- Make him feel he is in charge of home. The moment there has been transformation of home to house; problems galore. He may not remember in which class his son or daughter is! However, he knows in which direction stock market is going and whether gold prices are going up or down. He is not color blind but he maynot differentiate between Turquoise blue and German blue ( unless of course if he is working with paints or textiles ). Do not expect him to be a Smartphone!

3-Remember the most important law- For every reaction from you; there is an equal and opposite remedial action from his side! You criticize his smoking; he will quietly consume more. You do not allow him drinks at home because of children; he will do so outside and spend more money on deodorant, gutkha and other items to conceal fact. No justification of smoking/drinking here please!

4- Bullock has its own day of celebration-POLA; husband has his own day - HOLI. This is his day! Religion has made provision to release negative energy through this gasket release system. More he behaves in an absurd manner on HOLI, more he will be normal throughout year!

5-Understand his sensitivities- He also has his own touchy points. His DUKHATI RAG, sensitive point may be – armchair of his grandfather or wall clock bought by his mother from her first salary. Blow his ego in front of guests by reference to these articles as proud possessions rather than antique items blocking space. You have heard of story of princess having her life in nail of her index finger. His emotions are in those worthless possessions.

6-Strike a balance between your side and his side. [Yes. There are two sides even after 30 years of happy(?) married life]. Your parental side may have produced Padmabhshoons, and Padmashrees. Find out ONE relative of his with similar/smaller credentials and suitably refer his name in public conversation. Make sure hubby is present during such references.

7-Understand his tricks of irritating you. It may be a reference to your miser maternal uncle, your place of birth, which may be village or town, or relative of yours caught in fraud. It can be anything. Remember the military rule-Incoming fire has the right of way. Do not get upset. He has his own limitations on finding new irritants. Stay calm. If you refer to his relatives and draw parallel, it will only add fuel to fire.

8-Understand difference between demand and suggestion. Voice, tone, pitch, timing all plays an important part here. He may be visiting places such as KOTA in Rajasthan, or Kanjivaram in South. Suggest that these places are famous for…! There are other members also who might be visiting along with your husband who are well informed thanks to demands for their wives. He will certainly buy something for you. Herd mentality plays important role here.

9- For him, dishes prepared on his birthday are less important than the way you managed show when his friends came for dinner without prior notice. This aspect is to be understood by every homemaker. Today, when your own sons and daughters are migrated to other towns, cities or countries for various reasons; his friends help apart from relatives in emergency.

10- Children play an important role and managing them is difficult proposition thanks to only one or two per home. KIDS LISTEN TO YOU ONLY! Should be your mantra. You shall be in a position to get him attend parent teacher meet and also watch performance of kid in school gathering by making him sacrifice his alumni meet function.

11-Health related issues matter a lot in partner management. Pursue him for preventive medical checkup. If reports are O K, you can praise him for his regular (?) habits. If not, timely corrective action can be taken. Fear is the key in convincing him and you are winner in both situations. Emotional blackmail is valid in such cases.

12-Respect his passion. If he is fan of F C Barcelona, casual reference by you to Lionel Messi will make him both- happy and surprised. You need not know other details of Messi. If he is fond of instrumental music, you should know that Amaan and Ayaan are sons of Amjad Ali Khan- Sarod maestro.

13-Never ask details of his salary. Typical male ego plays important role. In spite of fact that you share your finance details with him, do not expect him to reciprocate. He will do so at opportune time. Sorry to say, an untimely sad demise of his colleague/relative will motivate him to share details with you.

14- Do not try to be too possessive about him. He will continue to look at pretty women in marriage reception or public gathering if this is his somersault. Let him do. Difference is he only looks at them; you on the other hand observe/screen them. Remember the proverb- Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking!

15- Ignore above points if things are smooth at your end and you are not witnessing even minor earthquakes on home front. Last but not the least- make sure; your partner and his friends have not read this article and only then follow the suggestions mentioned herein.  
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Milind Fadnavis is Associate Professor at Institute of Management Technology- Nagpur and he can be reached at milind.fadnavis@gmail.com