MANAGING THE BETTER HALF (WIFE)

Thousands of pages are written, hundreds of jokes do round on managing wife and one more article on same subject? A different route is taken to discuss this delicate issue.

First thing first! There is no ONE best way of managing the better half! Your partner may be homemaker or working person. As husband, you have to find out your own unique way of managing. Unlearning is first step in this direction! Forget those Hindi film formula of pleasing wife by pampering her brother or gifting saree on her birthday! Forget those generalizations that you can bring peace in home by cleaning drawing room once in year on Sunday or by trying to enforce peace treaty between saas-bahu.

 Following points might be of some help.

1-Appreciate her role in home which is 24 X 7 x 365. Whether she is homemaker or working housewife, she is not fully free from cooking assignment. Make sure she gets casual leave from this JOB. Question is how you do it. One solution is- you do the cooking once a while. Nevertheless, if you do not possess this talent, other option is simpler. Make sure both of you respect all invitations received for lunch or dinner and attend all marriage receptions, housewarming parties, birthday bash and so on. However, this should be done with diplomacy and care. Your logic while convincing her should be- if we do not  attend their function, they will not attend our functions in future! This is a win-win situation, which enhances your social quotient and frees her from routine cooking. Using dial for food or bringing dishes from restaurant should be an exception than rule.

2- Not quickly attending to repair/ breakdown complaints is common with majority of husbands. But you must have dozen of creative excuses for not doing job quickly. If cooler is not in operation in spite of summer heat is on; your logic should be- let kids be tough to face summer. Also, criticize those neighbors, who are using coolers for excessive usage of water. At no point of time should she feel that you are unwilling to do job. Do not put conditions, as I shall do it only after I get breakfast. Say- simply- I will do it after breakfast!

3- Creation of atmosphere is crucial before you announce your important plan or reveal hidden agenda. If you can get her scooter or car serviced when she is out of town for day or two and surprise her; there is every likelihood that your proposal of gathering of friends on holiday will be accepted without much resistance. Only issue is- you should not tell her about servicing job and secondly she should realize difference while driving vehicle! Alternatively, you will have to find your own unique way (quick replacement of second empty LPG cylinder, using your contacts to get her friends ADHAAR card etc).

4-Disagree in an agreeable manner- Use YES BUT transaction. Your communication should start with sentence- I fully agree with what you said BUT…….! This helps to reduce friction and by the time, she realizes what you wanted to say, you already got approval from her.

5- Never disclose that you use ECS facility to make payment of various bills. She may argue that you should use drop box facility to save time. You may actually be doing it but do not disclose this; tell her about risks involved (perceived) in doing so. This suggests that large part of your time is spent on home-related work, which you actually can utilize for your own recreation. The key lies in describing how long the queue was!

6-If you are accompanying her to her friend’s place, which has a pet such as dog or cat; remember name of pet. Do not sound foolish by saying – keep your dog at a distance! Dog or cat is not animal here; it is their family member.

7- Ensure she has her own quality time to be spent on hobbies or entertainment. Pursue her to go for  musical program or painting exhibition with her friends /relatives. Your own program of rummy or party with friends can coincide with it. Ensure that she has reached destination and program is about to start by calling her on mobile. Day and time is crucial. Convince her to go on Saturday evening or Sunday afternoon. Your argument should be- majority goes to movies during these timings and hence she can enjoy at leisurely pace with no crowd at such places.

8- Strike delicate balance between complete surrender and surprise aggression. Surrender should normally be in front of key member such as kid or her sister. Aggression should be occasional and with specific purpose to be achieved. Also, note that surrender should be on minor issues or issues unconnected to family (North Versus South Korea) and aggression should be on critical factors.

9- Reacquire habit of faking attention! She will never tolerate that while an important point is raised by her, you are watching Formula One race which in no way is going to be affecting you immediately. Best way is ask her to repeat point and nod occasionally.

10- You need to spend some QUALITY time with her. The problem is difference between perceptions of quality. If you are watching serials with her in which you are least interested; ask questions such as –Will Mihir come back or What Anandi should do- you have won battle half way. If you take a break for smoking during commercial break in these serials and then come back; ask question- what happened to those characters during this time?

11-Be aware of J factor which is omnipresent and accordingly modify your communication. You can always praise her friend but utmost precaution should be taken and praise should come with a Rider.

 If salt is in excess in food; do not blame her. Blame manufacturer, which in your opinion is not consistent in maintaining quality. If food is half cooked; your mantra should be – ANNA HE PURNA BRAMHA! Food is God!

12- Develop your own secret treasure that includes items needed in emergency but not normally found in home on occasions. They include matchbox, Moov, gift envelope, cellophane tape, band-aid, one rupee coins to be put in gift envelope, mini pencil cells used in remote of T V, revenue stamps, staple pins and so on. Producing these items in front of her like Aladin on Sunday evening or on day when all shops are closed due to strike will bring brownie points to you.

13-Respect her suspicious nature and try to be as proactive as you can. If a friend has brought for your family chocolates from Europe, ensure you ask him to give original carry bag. Secondary package of Harrods (U K) or Galleries Lafayette (Paris) will remove any doubt in her mind. Do not remove the price tag from dress material or saree which you have bought for her.

14-Occasionally declare in front of her how forgetful or ignorant you are. However, be careful. Do not overdo it; else, she will treat it as 100% truth.

15-Remember one thing-TIME SAVING DEVICES IN KITCHEN NEVER SAVE TIME. Nevertheless, do not try to convince her directly. It will have boomerang effect. Take indirect route. Chutney made in traditional way is more tasty should be your mantra. Rays from microwave are not good for health should be your instant reaction.

If you are disappointed with article because it does not talk of mother in law or her brother or her lack of humor: sorry! The purpose was not to take beaten path but venture into unknown track.

MANAGING THE BITTER HALF (HUSBAND)

                                                     MANAGING THE BITTER HALF (HUSBAND)

HAPPY MARRIED LIFE LIKE MILITARY INTELLIGENCE IS A CONTRADICTION!

An old Hindi proverb explains typical character of husband! Meaning is like this- Monkey may grow old; but he will never forget somersault. Whether metaphor of monkey is apt for husband or not may be debatable, but fact that his somersault takes various forms and shapes is undisputed. Once this characteristic is understood, managing him seems relatively easy task for homemaker. Nevertheless, in reality, it does not happen. The reason is absence of realization that monkey now is not going to change. It is understood that olfactory faculty of a wife (without ISO certification) works much better than her husband. She smells his socks from a distance but he does not realize problem even from few feet. The solution is – buy half a dozen pair of socks rather everyday repeating the episode of VIKRAM & VETAAL (who is vikram and who is vetaal is anybody’s guess).

Another definition of husband on internet is lopsided. “JO SADA HASTA HAI USKO HASMUKH KAHTE HAI; AUR JISKI HASI BAND HO GAYEE HO, USKO HUSBAND KAHTE HAI.”

The reference by better half of her husband as BITTER HALF may come any time during married life. This is turning point. However, that topic is for separate discussion. An effort is made to understand difficulties of homemaker and issues involved in managing her BITTER HALF.

1- When Piano is to be moved; everybody is ready to move the stool. The proverb talks of two aspects. Moving of stool in isolation is worthless unless piano also is moved. Second, everybody is ready to move stool- accept easier task. Husband is ready to move piano; problem arises when he gets the task done through others than doing himself. End justifies means. If homemaker does not insist that he and only he should complete the task, problem is easily solved .Monkey is old enough to perform task in isolation! Alternatively, piano may be big enough!

2- Make him feel he is in charge of home. The moment there has been transformation of home to house; problems galore. He may not remember in which class his son or daughter is! However, he knows in which direction stock market is going and whether gold prices are going up or down. He is not color blind but he maynot differentiate between Turquoise blue and German blue ( unless of course if he is working with paints or textiles ). Do not expect him to be a Smartphone!

3-Remember the most important law- For every reaction from you; there is an equal and opposite remedial action from his side! You criticize his smoking; he will quietly consume more. You do not allow him drinks at home because of children; he will do so outside and spend more money on deodorant, gutkha and other items to conceal fact. No justification of smoking/drinking here please!

4- Bullock has its own day of celebration-POLA; husband has his own day - HOLI. This is his day! Religion has made provision to release negative energy through this gasket release system. More he behaves in an absurd manner on HOLI, more he will be normal throughout year!

5-Understand his sensitivities- He also has his own touchy points. His DUKHATI RAG, sensitive point may be – armchair of his grandfather or wall clock bought by his mother from her first salary. Blow his ego in front of guests by reference to these articles as proud possessions rather than antique items blocking space. You have heard of story of princess having her life in nail of her index finger. His emotions are in those worthless possessions.

6-Strike a balance between your side and his side. [Yes. There are two sides even after 30 years of happy(?) married life]. Your parental side may have produced Padmabhshoons, and Padmashrees. Find out ONE relative of his with similar/smaller credentials and suitably refer his name in public conversation. Make sure hubby is present during such references.

7-Understand his tricks of irritating you. It may be a reference to your miser maternal uncle, your place of birth, which may be village or town, or relative of yours caught in fraud. It can be anything. Remember the military rule-Incoming fire has the right of way. Do not get upset. He has his own limitations on finding new irritants. Stay calm. If you refer to his relatives and draw parallel, it will only add fuel to fire.

8-Understand difference between demand and suggestion. Voice, tone, pitch, timing all plays an important part here. He may be visiting places such as KOTA in Rajasthan, or Kanjivaram in South. Suggest that these places are famous for…! There are other members also who might be visiting along with your husband who are well informed thanks to demands for their wives. He will certainly buy something for you. Herd mentality plays important role here.

9- For him, dishes prepared on his birthday are less important than the way you managed show when his friends came for dinner without prior notice. This aspect is to be understood by every homemaker. Today, when your own sons and daughters are migrated to other towns, cities or countries for various reasons; his friends help apart from relatives in emergency.

10- Children play an important role and managing them is difficult proposition thanks to only one or two per home. KIDS LISTEN TO YOU ONLY! Should be your mantra. You shall be in a position to get him attend parent teacher meet and also watch performance of kid in school gathering by making him sacrifice his alumni meet function.

11-Health related issues matter a lot in partner management. Pursue him for preventive medical checkup. If reports are O K, you can praise him for his regular (?) habits. If not, timely corrective action can be taken. Fear is the key in convincing him and you are winner in both situations. Emotional blackmail is valid in such cases.

12-Respect his passion. If he is fan of F C Barcelona, casual reference by you to Lionel Messi will make him both- happy and surprised. You need not know other details of Messi. If he is fond of instrumental music, you should know that Amaan and Ayaan are sons of Amjad Ali Khan- Sarod maestro.

13-Never ask details of his salary. Typical male ego plays important role. In spite of fact that you share your finance details with him, do not expect him to reciprocate. He will do so at opportune time. Sorry to say, an untimely sad demise of his colleague/relative will motivate him to share details with you.

14- Do not try to be too possessive about him. He will continue to look at pretty women in marriage reception or public gathering if this is his somersault. Let him do. Difference is he only looks at them; you on the other hand observe/screen them. Remember the proverb- Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking!

15- Ignore above points if things are smooth at your end and you are not witnessing even minor earthquakes on home front. Last but not the least- make sure; your partner and his friends have not read this article and only then follow the suggestions mentioned herein.  
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Milind Fadnavis is Associate Professor at Institute of Management Technology- Nagpur and he can be reached at milind.fadnavis@gmail.com